Friday, December 31, 2010

Diary of a puppy owner

We have acquired two new girl puppies (lab/shepherd cross) and I need to start training now - we are purchasing one more crate to start crate training the puppies but they need to be six months before they can be in the crate for 8 hours and these little guys are one two months but they do need to start getting used to their crates. They can make it about 8 hours at night without accidents because they are in the bathroom with a blanket, they go down about 11 and get up around 7 (which will change to 6:45 when I start work) and this will serve as a diary as well as help me figure out their schedules

So today so far was as follows:

Fizzle (F) and Nayla (N)

7am - up of puppies out - both peed and pooed

7:30 - food and water provided
8:00 F peed (in the house)

8:30 N (pooed in house)

9:00 - puppies napped

9:49 - F peed outside

9:58 - F peed outside and pooed; N peed

10:10 - puppied napped.

When N and F go into the dining room it is a sure-fire sign they need to go outside,

Puppies will need to be crated 4 times a day for 1/2 to 1 hour a day (when napping -3 times and during meals)

Cosmo had a panic attack today - it was standard (if you can call a panic attack standard).

We need to create a puppy room for the day when we are gone for eight hours so that will be done today. Hopefully pictures to follow.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

It wasn't a trip back it was an adventure

So as we know Paul and I are married. Sunday, after the wedding, as decided we head back to NB. We left early (about 10:o0ish) and planned to drive straight through. Before we even get out of Ontario the 401 is backed up and crawl along for about FIVE hours. Apparently there was a fatal accident and we were nowhere near the next exit. So we get off the next exit and continue on. By the time we get to Quebec it's 11th at night. At this point Paul has driven for over 12 hours and we are exhausted - we also have about 10 hours of driving left. So we decided to stop for the night - we get to a Hilton Express and have some dinner

We head out the next day at noon - after an awesome breakfast and the kids get to go for a swim. So we head out the next day and the GPS seems to take us on all these back roads but Paul although concerned thought it was just because he upated the GPS. We eventually see a sign to MAINE!!!!!! At this point it's around 5 p.m. We hit the border - without passports because we never planned to go through the States. I get out to talk to the Canadian side, explain what happened, they talk to Paul, call the States side (which incidently was right across the street), we get back and explain the seriousness to the kids and that they may need to talk to the border people. Poor Caleb gets so freaked out while we are talking to the border guards, he throws up everywhere. Paul asks to get out for him and he gets Caleb out of the car who is still sick. He takes him in the bathroom, the guards talk to Cally and I get to clean the back of the car out. They pretty much at that point they just wave us through.

I didn't stop at the bathroom because I was busy. We get in the car and I realize I have puke of my jeans. We stop a few miles down, I start to go in until Paul points out the "No washroom" sign. We drive through the States, we get to a gas station to gas up, that didn't take Canadian money (really!?!?) so we have to keep going. We stop at another station to get some food and I ask if they have a washroom, the guys says yeah outside. I go outside and it's a portapotty and at that point I just don't care anymore and change. We start heading out and all day I haven't felt 100% but decide to ignore it however it is steadily getting worse. We are now ridiculously late and have to call the kids mom who lets just say wasn't very happy. Paul and I are driving and the pain is now so bad only I don't want to say anything because I don't want to scare the kids. Only at one point it's so bad I pass out. Apparently Paul was shaking me and trying to get me to wake up for 10 minutes. So much for not scaring the kids (or Paul for that matter). We get back to Canada and they wave us through. We have now driving through sun, rain, freezing rain, a ridiculous amount of fog and now snow. We get off the highway and are about 5 minutes from Heidi's house when we get pulled over for speeding. Paul explains the situation and he lets us off with a warning. We drop the kids off and head to the hospital where we are until 3 in the morning. We get home with some medicine for my stomach.

The next time - we fly.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Halloween or a makeshift thereof

Paul and I didn't get the kids for Halloween this year but we did get them pumpkins and we made "graveyard brownies". CR (the girl) didn't get to carve her's but CM did (she was at a friend's house and Paul was working and I was out when she wanted it brought to her friends house). We had hardly any kids this year which was too bad considering the junk we bought which is now presently gone - the last of the chocolate was consumed tonight. I did get a few pictures but no costume pics. Caleb apparently went as a Freddy Kruger and Jason (Friday the 13th) combo - he has the mask of Jason and the claw hand of Freddy and Cally went as a witch.

Anyway I have been told (by the mom) I no longer am allowed to post picutres of Caleb on FB but no one a said anything about here.

Not sure how to do this....

...but it seems I am doing it wrong. I try to be a good person and a good step-mom however I feel inadequate at the best of times. For example five weeks in we have been implementing a chore list. We've been gradually introducing things the kids can do for an allowance. g Dishes, vacuming, dusting, making their beds and to be consistent and fair Paula and dad have chores too. Tonight we went to see Dracula Symphony put on by Paul's school. Please don't get me started - I don't have strength unless you specifically ask me I won't bore you (or perhaps make you laugh). As a side note I would like to point out I am not allowed to make my true opinion known because Paul has to work with this man - however I think as a creative person I would WANT to know and not just be pandered to. As an actress tell what I did well and tell me where I can improve - if you are paying to see a production you should feel you got your money worth and if you don't tell me how to fix it so that you do come back and you are entertained because otherwise I'll be playing to an empty audience and that's no fun.

As always - I digress. My step daughter has dishes to do - not even every night, every second night at that. And she only has to wash them I dry and then every other night I wash and my step son dries. So tonight she had a friend over and requested that the dishes get left until after the play so I said sure but inside my OCD head was whispering "No do them now." So we went to Dracula and then came home to drop the kids off because we (and by we I mean Paul because he made the decision for me) that we were heading over to a friend's place to watch a new tv series about zombies. I have zero interest but went because Paul insisted "everybody" was going to be there so I arrive and not one wife or girlfriend is to be seen. I was pissed but didn't say anything. I was more pissed because apparently Paul was told this but forgot - but that is a whole other post. We left here at nine and got back at eleven - took the dog out for a quick pee come in and walk into the kitchen...I know see where I am going with this. I was furious. Now let me explain my fury as I left I said to "C I want those dishes done before we get home" not only are they not done but she's asleep which means she had no intention of doing them and if anyone knows me they know I physically cannot go to bed with dirty dishes it's a sickness I wish I could but I'd be up all night tossing and turning about it.

I don't know what to do - I don't know how to enforce rules that weren't in place after the breakup but I do know, I can't live like this. I headed downstairs and I see an empty bag of chips and a empty juice can and someone has moved a chair (which I hate). I feel like a maid sometimes, the house is freakin' disaster. Nothing was out of place in my apartment and I cleaned every week because it was my mess but now I have three other people who either can't or won't and all I am trying to enlist some help but none of them seem to want to. I actually got flak because dinner took so long the other night. I have been working full days and the last thing I want to do is come home and make dinner but I do it - what I don't need is getting told that I am taking too long.

Anyway this post is loooong overdue and holds a whole lot of venting but I need to do this I need to get it all out but what I especially need is advice 'cause obviously I'm not doing it right.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

20 days to go

In 20 days and I will be Mrs. Collrin. Can't wait to be Paul's wife.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Things I am learning about myself

I am not a stay at home kinda person - I tried it for about two weeks. Paul and I had made an executive decision to cancel cable because we can download (or buy) anything we want to watch so while I don't sit around watching TV all day however I can only clean so much and although I still have a bunch of boxes to unpack but I have the whole weekend without Paul - who is working at the zoo - anyway I digress. I had an interview with Kelly Services today and I kicked some legal secretarial test ass and will be hopefully working soon.

I don't like this weather. I have been spoiled by Ontario weather - I am cold ALL THE TIME! I had a hot bath to take the chill out of my bones tonight I was freezing when I went to bed last nigh. When I woke up this morning, at Kelly Services, at Boston Pizza tonight. Apparently .I lived her for many, many years I forgot how cold it gets. I am currently in my winter flannel jammies with thick socks on.

On the motherhood side I learned that just because your fiance says he's taking his nine year old son home does not mean he won't forget his bookbag and come back. It also means I should not have an open door hot bath especially since the front door looks right into the bathroom -all I can say is thank God for shower curtains.

I am crazy in love with my animals and know now why that people who have animals live longer and less stressfully. Pepper and Cosmo have made this transition easy. Yes I said it... my animals. I have a sleeping puppy to my left and a sleeping (and snoring) kitty behinde on the couch. Paul is at the gym and it's one of those peaceful nights that I just love. I enjoy staying at home at night on the couch and just being by myself.

I am right - a lot of the time. And while this shouldn't be a big deal it is. Because mostly I was wrong no, not mostly but all the time when I was with Joe - I was constantly wrong - even when I wasn't and Paul lets me know that I am right and tells me I am and it does wonders for my self esteem and my self worth and that is one of the many many reasons I am in love with him because he's okay with being wrong and letting me be right even about trivial little things.

So while this move was big and scary it helps me learn some new things about myself and all in all that a very good thing indeed.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Taking a page from my good friend Jacki

I've been a little wary about posting this because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feeling but screw it, if you can't understand that I need to do this to get it out and get hurt by it then you don't know me very well and just don't get that sometimes, just sometimes you need to write it down so it doesn't eat you up. My good friend Jacki wrote about her dark place and how the door opened just enough that the whispers got louder than usual. She has a door - I have a tunnel that decends and once in I fall much like Alice going down the rabbithole desperate and scrabbling to grab something and grasp hold beginning the journey back into the light. Those who know me know that there was a time when I was so far down I didn't believe there was a light at the opening of the tunnel and it took about 2 years before I even saw the light let alone began the long journey towards it. It was a very, very dark time in my life and without my friends and skilled professionals I may never have come out on top.

I recently made a MAJOR change in my life and every so often I feel like I am decending just a little further down the tunnel. It scares the crap out of me because although I seem to grab a branch or two on the tumble down they break easily and I fall just a little further before grabbing another one. I am sad a lot, I cry at the drop of a hat and I miss everyone and everything that my old life was. It breaks my heart that this sadness seems to be a major theme in my life right now and I can't shake it. Will it get better? I hope to God that it will because I can't do this again - I can't fall so far where the light disappears - it's a descent I don't want to make and climb that would be difficult because there seems to be a lot of obstacles that block my way up. I can see them below me where falling into them would be easy and feel "good" but getting past them back up would be a struggle. Everyday I seem to fall a few feet and sometime I gain back what I lost and others I just don't have the strength to lift my arms and I feel like I need to rest awhile but I can't because resting just leads me further down the tunnel and I need all my strength just to hold on to where I am. All I feel I can't do now is put my faith in God and remember "If He leads you to it, He will lead you through it". So thank you so much to Jacki who gave me the strength to post this. We often seem to forget that we are not the only ones who go through life with struggles and we need to share these struggles with those we love and trust. It can lighten the load.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Welcome to my obstacle course

So I have reached the point where I have less to pack than I have packed - the p.roblem now is it's piddly stuff - I also can't pack EVERYTHING because I still have 15 days before I go. I need 10 work outfits and I need 2 necessity boxes, 1 Comso box and a Pepper box. And now my apartment, which is quite large has become somewhat of an obstacle course

The dogs is getting a little uneasy - last time this happened he lost 3/5 of his pack. And gained a litten (while they'd never admit it they love each other) and although he doesn't realize it he's gonna gain 3 pack members only they will be of the human variety and it won't be all the time since we only get the kids for 3.5 hours a day and every second weekend.

The cat however is having a blast - she in boxes and out, behind object and can jump from box to box like a bunny (or a cat).

I can't believe I'm almost down to two weeks and Paul isn't just coming for a visit. He's coming to take me home.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

A whole range of emotions

I am 19 days and I have a range of emotions that I am going through. On one end I am very excited. A new city (sort of), a new job, a new life (with kids) and I get to be with Paul which in itself is amazing - no more watching tv on the phone together, getting to kiss and hug him whenever I want. But on the other hand I am sad. I am leaving a job I love, friends who are amazing and a city that I know - I know where things are - I love my apartment - I do love living alone and, sadly, I love that Tim Hortons is right across the street.

Regardless, today is a day that I am excited. I am packing like a mad woman I did laundry (which I had to pay for) for the last time - whoo hoo - and the fact that I am going to be sitting beside him in three weeks makes me so happy.

Yesterday was a bad day - I hated the idea of moving. It probably didn't help I spend nine hours at work filing and organizing - it just really hit me when I was "closing" things up at work and getting ready for the new girl.

And I had a long talk with Paul last night and feel so much better. And Jacki made a comment on my facebook that made me feel so much better (and the glass of wine in the bath probably didn't hurt either).

So we agreed that I'll be back and forth a while and that ok - I'm allowed :)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Reasons I will/won't miss my apartment

I will not miss waiting for the elevator.
I will not miss NOT having air conditioning
I will not miss havinig time constraints on when I can and cannot do laudry, but will miss being able to do 4 loads in 1.5 hours
I will not miss Paul not living here with me.
I will miss being able to watch what I want when I want but I'm okay with that.
I will not miss paying more for rent than mortgage.
I will miss my apartment the most because it's in KW and a lot of my friends are here and I will miss them.


I will not miss paying for a security locked buidling that does not in fact live up to that name.
I will not miss random people coming into my house to fix or view.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How did we get from there to this?

Ok I think I am a very even tempered sort - I believe one of my bosses put it best when he said "You're very accomodating Paula" and no gutter minded people he was talking about Joe when he said it. So I told Joe I was getting married and we needed to (a) get me the money I put in the house (b) get me off title and (c) get me off the mortgage. I gave him three months in June; which I might add people said was more than generous. I gave him the lawyer referral number which he called in JULY, he also prepared a separation agreement which was and I quote from a legal person "one of the most self serving pieces of crap that I've ever seen - a lawyer drafted this?!?" I told her no and after getting several precedents I drafted one - she looked it over and offered her opinions as a friend, not legal counsel. Joe's was two pages long, mine was five. He talked about going to see a lawyer but I told him I was going on holiday and I would be back on August 10, 2010. I gave him my agreement on July 26. I sent an e-mail today telling him I'm back and could he make an appointment with the lawyer, at the end of the day I received no answer so I called and mentioned I sent an e-mail asking about the separation agreement. He said he hadn't read it. I thought please tell me you're talking about the e-mail but no, no he was talking about the agreement. Did I mention he had it for over two fucking weeks now. So I told him I had given him three months and I wanted to get this over with. His snarky ass answer "I want this over too." THEN READ AND SIGN THE AGREEMENT BUTTMUNCH!!!!!!! He said he would 'try' to get to it and would 'try' to print it off and read it.

Now I'm mad, initially I felt bad that I left him never mind the fact he told me he hasn't loved me or trusted me for the last seven years of our relationship, how he didn't want to "waste his money" on counselling (even though we were offered free counselling) that nothing I ever did was good enough or up to his standards, how he fucked me over regarding the house (I know Janet, I know) and some furnishings because he didn't want me to take them because they served his purpose more. How much money he's been putting in the house and not towards what he owes me. But now he's messing with my money and if I'm on title and someone gets hurt I'm liable and honestly I want this done to get it over and start on a clean slate with Paul and he threatening that and I won't let that happen. I am finally happy and in love and want to start my life. Joe says he "cares" about me and "wants to see me happy" but gets pissed when I don't do something exactly the way he wants. A wise woman said "Deeds are often more telling than words babe." - truer words have never been spoken. I just wished I'd seen it sooner. I don't hate him really I just don't understand and that hurts more than it angers me - he says things and then acts I different way. I just thought this wouldn't happen to him and I.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Oh... now I get it!

So I had my first experience with motherhood when I visited Paul this week - this week was for a couple of reasons: to spend some time together, revisit some long neglected friendships and meet the kids - Cally is 14 and Caleb is 9. And honestly two of the most adorable little people I have ever met. Paul and I are very much of the same page when it comes to raising ideas but it's easier to put them into action when I am there. A lot of the "rules" are things I had to follow when I was growing up. For example we all eat at the dinner table. Caleb is easily distracted and when cleaning the living room I found - two pizza crusts (under the couch cusions) a half eaten chocolate muffin on the second level of the coffee table and a piece of a sausage and that was just in the living room - don't get me started on his room. Eating at the table enables me to see how much he eats and control what he drinks. He didn't get pop at all when I was down and we limited to the juice intake and wow - what a difference.

He has to make his bed, set and clear the table and there is no fight at all I thought there would be an arguement but he seems to like doing it. We'll see how long that keeps up (lol).

I also understand "sibling rivilary" a little more only who knew there was so much to fight about. Paul said I'll develop "parental hearing" shortly but I have to apologize to my parents for the excessiveness of the car rides where someone 'touching' me wasn't really that much of an issue. We had the kids from Friday to the following Friday night and Paul said he misses them when he's gone and I figured he would enjoy the break however I so see it...they were gone on Saturday and I really missed them. The house was so quiet and well, it was just weird.

So when parents say they miss thier kids when they go away to visit grandparents or when the parent goes away for a bit I totally get it now and even as I sit in my apartment and get to watch what I want and it's quiet and I actually can get on the computer I miss them in a way that I would give this all up to see them again. I miss them in a way that makes my heart ache and makes me feel like I am missing a part of me. It's completely a diffrent way than I miss Paul and it's little simple things like getting hugs from them or hearing them say "I love you." So when parents say they miss the kids despite the fights and despite the constant chatter and the can I have, can I have, can I have I totally get it.

Monday, May 24, 2010

The proposal

So by now you must know Paul and I are engaged - here's the story:

Paul and I were on the phone on Thursday before his flight and before I hung up, I said "See you soon, don't die in a fiery plane crash." and he said okay.
I make my way to the airport and upon arrival look for Paul's flight.....I can't find it ANYWHERE.

I make my way to arrivals and still nothing. So of course I'm all like OMG he died in a fiery plane crash. You can see the flights listed;St. John's is there but no Saint John. A few minutes later he comes out looking o' so sexy. I walk over and hug him and we give each other an inappropriate airport kiss. I am holding his hand and start to walk away chattering away "your flight wasn't listed etc etc blah blah blah" He pulls me back and I half turn back to him and he's on one knee with the ring box. I say " What are you doing?" (very romantic eh?). He opens it and says "Paula Lumini I love you. Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife." I say "Oh my God"....repeatedly. I must have said it like six times before it dawns on me I haven't given him an answer yet. Then I can't seem to say anything. I nod my head vigorously, get all teary-eyed and say "Yes, I will marry you." He stands up and hugs me, places the ring on my finger and the everyone in arrivals applauds. I turn around and say "thank you." We go to the Tim Horton's everyone is congratulating us - and that's the story of my marriage proposal. Most awesome story ever, well I think so mostly because it belongs to Paul and I.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My cat has ADHD

Since Paul's youngest has ADHD I thought I would do some research - the kids and I are meeting in July and I want to be somewhat informed. I learned that the most prevalent symptoms of ADD ADHD are inattention and distractibility, hyperactivity and impulsive behaviors. Difficulties with concentration, mental focus, and inhibition of impulses and behaviors are chronic and pervasive and impair an individual’s daily functioning across various settings -- OMG I was shocked, suprised and a little stunned. Pepper Static, my not yet nine month old kitten has ADHD...or at least all the symptoms. For example she was bugging the dog so I attempt to distracct her with a kleenex - stop laughing it works - so looks up and begins to come over to investigate but somehow in the 8 to 10 steps coming over a candle (not lit one that's been sitting there) grabs her attention the kleenex is lost - inattention. As for distractibility did you hear me mention the kleenex. Impusive behaviours - one minute she's lying quiety next second she has to be in the next room for some reason RIGHT AWAY! If the dog runs to fetch a toy the cat freaks out. However I don't think she needs kitty meds because her daily funtion isn't impaired.
In all seriousness I am asking parents with children with this to give some advice on relating to Paul's little guy.

You can learn things about yourself even at 38

So I've been sick (really sick) for the past three days. There is this whole issue of staying home and not infecting the rest of the office which is a great theory. What happens when you can't do that. It's a well known fact that most stuff is contagious before the symptoms appear is a great article about should you go to work or not. It's worrisome that it suggests you could get fired if you are out for longer than three days if you haven't been there for a year.
Anyway I digress. I learned a couple of things about myself - when I am very sick I am a big baby - this isn't new I knew this. I had to go to work - there was a major project that I had to do, yes once again the powers that be decided instead of telling more than one person they put it on me - I have always wondered why; what would happen if I was hit by a bus. Who would do the work then, again I digress. I woke up on Monday feeling horrific, sneezing, sore throat, coughing, muscles aches, fuzzy head oh it was awful. I somehow got up, walked the pup and dragged myself to work Monday and Tuesday and got the project done but it was awful - extremely awful - Monday being the worst of the two days. So I learned that when you are at your worst you still have something deep down inside you that you can push through and get done what needs to get done.
I have often wondered what single or stay-at-home moms do when they are that sick and cannot get up but have to to take care of the kids. I often wondered when I have kids will I be a bad mom if I cannot get up to take care if the baby. I now know I can because I have that thing deep down inside that all moms must have to get up and do what has to be done and that's not a bad thing to learn about yourself. To think I learned it at 38 :)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Insanity Day 4

This was cardio recovery today and it was a lot of stretching holding yoga like poses - I find if I have to stand on one leg though the leg certainly shakes - it's basically my muscles telling me to eff off I know and it will get easier - I really enjoy it and I honestly never thought I would enjoy working out so much. It was a good day - tomorrow is another hard cardio day but I am looking forward to it.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Day two

OMG I am so out of shape - it was pylometric cardio circuit (or as I dubbed it My Own Personal Hell). I couldn't do all the rotations and had to stop a lot - yowza - but I perserved and it will get better - just like the 30 minutes of running. It a good workout and I feel better once I've done it (yeah me!) hopefully it will get easier and I will only get better :)

Saturday, March 27, 2010


Nothing terribly new on the homefront. Still hopeless, madly and over the top in love with Paul. He'll be here in 54 days. Work is good - not too busy but good. My boss had a baby boy (5 weeks early) - his name is Max but he's doing okay.

My "newish" thing is losing weight. It's newish only because I've always been trying to lose weight. I've been running and watching what I eat. I also ordered INSANITY - yes it was off an informercial that I saw early in the morning - I started it today with the fit test - I almost thought I was going to puke. I am really excited about it - it's a series and it will be interesting to see how it works out. This blog will help me be accountable - I hope.

It's also earth day today - so this computer and lights go off in 32 minutes. It will be interesting to go out on balcony and see what's on and what's not.

The play (A Tailor Made Prince) is going well. It starts in 19 days and I'm excited about being on stage and also about performing in the new theatre - then it's nothing until I am stage managing JP's play - Paradise Island which goes on this summer.

Pepper and Cosmo are also doing well.

So it's a good feeling when a contentment and a happiness sets in your life and you are a peace and feels like all in right with the world.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

R.I.P. Honda Civic

So my old car has gone to car heaven. Last Thursday I put new battery in the car, changed the oil and put tranmission fluid in the car (about $250.00 in total). This Saturday I head to the clinic (for my yearly physical stuff) and see the line and decide that maybe I better come back the following day- got into the car annnnddd it wouldn't start. I called Joe (because Paul would have taken too long to get there). He got the car started and followed me home. I decide to head to Canadian Tire - the car stalled twice once at the Supercentre and again in the merge lane going to CT. The nice man in the car behind me pushed me to the side of the road, I head to CT and ask for help but they can't do anything because of insurance reason (did I mention I was no more than 10 feet away from the parking lot). Now yesterday was rainy and cold and the first car that stopped couldn't help me (because "they were in a hurry") the second nice couple said no problem pulled away and NEVER RETURNED. I finally flagged down boy on bike who let me push the car while he steered. Finally got the car into parking lot. About an hour later the nice mechanic comes out and says the timing belt and F'ed although he was much more polite about it. To fix that would be 300 to 500 and he couldn't even guarantee it would work, and it would be thousands (no not hundred boys and girls thousands of dollars to fix it).

He looked around and said "I shouldn't say this but do you have any emotional attachment to the car ." I say "No." and he says "Get a new car."

So I am now the proud owner of a 2006 Ford Focus and 5 years of car payments. I get possession tomorrow (and am quite excited about it).

Thursday, March 11, 2010

The best damn promise anyone has ever made me

It's a promise ring, it's from Paul and it's the best thing I've ever worn.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

So how do you know....

...when you've met the one. I have seen those sappy movies where the woman goes out meets someone comes back and says "I met the man I am going to marry." and of course in the sappy movies they always do. And I having met Paul (again) have been giving it some thought about him and past relationships. I do recall saying about another boy that he "could" be the one or "I think he's the one." to someone. But how do you really know?

Do you pick the man who takes you good and bad? I mean don't most people who are your friends take you good or bad. Why don't we marry our friends. How do you know he's the one. Because he calls when he says he will, because he's the person you think about most, because he shares the same goals you do...seriously when do you know.

Many of my married friends say "You just know." but do you, do you really? And if the marriage ends in, God forbid, divorce do you then start expressing doubts you had.

What do I know you ask? I know I miss him when he's not around; I know when I get an e-mail with his name attached or the phone rings and it's him I smile even before I open the e-mail or answer the phone. He could read to me from the phone book and I would still think it was a great conversation (and yes once when we were 16 he did just that - can't even remember the context but it makes me smile). I know that I haven't even met his kids and I already think they are two of the most special people I will ever meet. I have talked to both and they are smart and funny and really great kids. And I know that when he walked off the plane my heart skipped a beat - I saw him and it was as if no time had passed and he was the same boy I fell in love with at 16.

But this could be true for a lot of other men too (except for the in love with at 16 bit). Could I potentially meet someone else who could eventually make me feel the same way. The romantic part of my says no, he's your other half, the piece of you that's missing but the intellectual part says - really Paula don't be ridiculous you are a whole person whether you are with someone or not, and at 37 the intellectual part of me knows that's the truth. As a human being we crave company (which is why solitary confinement is a truly horrific punishment) but we get that from friends, co-workers, random everyday people so why is the romantic kind required - it's not, people go through their lives never having knowing what it means to love someone or be loved in return. Divorced people may never marry or date again.

So how do you know. All I know is that he is the one and I can't imagine being apart from him again.

Lastly I recall once when I was 16 and we were lying on his bed I thought to myself "this is the man that I am going to marry" So I guess you do just know even if you have to wait 22 years later.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Take two

I met a fella when I was 16 and he was many firsts for me.

- I said "I love you" to someone who wasn't my family.
- I heard "I love you" from someone who wasn't my family.
- I cried in someone's arms who I knew loved me and would protect me and never ever hurt me.
- I was intimate in a way that is so special it is never ever forgotten.
- I had my driver's license and we drove everywhere together.
- I realized that some times you meet someone who is perfect for you in every way and completes you.
- I realized that sometimes ending a relationship is the hardest thing to do but at the time it's the right thing.

I moved to Ontario, he stayed in New Brunswick. I had serious relationships that were just that, he married and had two beautiful children.

Recently I ended a serious relationship. He and his wife decided to divorce. About 2 months ago he contacted me (thank you Facebook) and the 22 year gap seemed to vanish in the blink of an eye. We started talking as friends and somewhere in those talks we realized we still had feelings for one another and they grew deeply and quickly.

He spent the last week here and it truly was one of the best weeks of my life - I truly believe that this time, this second chance, is a rare chance that not everyone gets is one that I will grab onto and hold onto tightly.

Oh and one last thing.....his name is Paul.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Take that 30 minutes!!

So today I upped my run up to 30 minutes. OMG I thought I was going to die - 10 minutes sure doesn't sound like a lot but it certainly is. I actually enjoy the 20 minutes and plan on doing the 30 minutes until I enjoy it and then up it again. I hope to have it upped again in two weeks. Uggh my abs hurt, my legs hurt and my arms if you can believe that. Too tired to write more.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Running - the saga

So I didn't run last night because of time restraints but went out again tonight - a lot of people ask me about the weather but I read on a runner's blog that unless is was -20 (no you read that right) MINUS 20 running outside would be okay. After layering up and checking the weather network (-8 with the windchill feels like -13) I decided to go anyway. Now I can see why they say -20 because after about 30 seconds to one minute it's not cold anymore - the lung burning goes away and I'm off flying through my fatigue, feeling the days stress fall away. It was awesome.
I actually timed myself today and realized that I only run 20 minutes - disappointing but again I'm starting after not doing it for a long time. Monday I plan on increasing it to 30 minutes up the time by 10 minutes every week or two until I make it up to an hour long run.

In high school track was one of my favorite things to do and Iwould run for 1-2 hours a night after school - I wonder why I've stopped - actually I know why - things got more important -running in now something I plan on making a priority.

I have dinner plan with Jeremy tomorrow night however I plan on going for run fiome first. Boys can wait it's time I come first.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Every journey begins with a single step

Let's face it: I hate running. I would rather sit on my rapidly expanding ass than don my sneakers and head outside with nothing more than a bottle of water and my ipod. Let's be honest - it's too cold to run in the winter, too hot in the summer, too muddy in the spring and in the fall there are leaves anywhere. Running partners (by which I mean Joe) are no good because they are much faster and fitter which leaves me feeling bad about my ability and I am sure leaves them bored. Running is bad for your knees, the burning in your lungs and inevitable stitch in your side are no picnic either. And don't even get me started on those commercials with all the pretty, thin people praising the virtues of running which become about a shoe - they don't inspire me; they piss me off. Which begs the question why have I brushed off my sneakers; pulled out my running gear and started again because let's face it: I love running. I love the freedom it gives me - putting one foot in front of the other for no other destination than ahead. I love the way it clears my head, listening only to my steady breathing, the pounding of my feet on the pavement and my ipod belting out my various "running" playlists. I love the cold, crisp winter air, the hot summer sun belting down on my exposed skin, the newness of spring and the dazzling colours of the fall. I love the sense of accomplishment I feel after a run.

My life of late hasn't been fun - I am single which means I am dating again bringing on an array of emotions. I'll admit it - I hate it; I love the security of a relationship and because you never know when the next one is going to come along you just have to get out there a do it. There are boys but no one seems to fit the bill perfectly - so I've taken it upon myself to start a relationship with running - a love/hate relationship you might say. And who knows maybe I'll meet a cute boy while running and he'll wait up for me