Monday, September 19, 2011

Come out come out wherever you are

I should really say whenever not wherever since I know exactly where he is. So here it is 6:28 a.m. on September 19, 2011. My boy is officially two days late and the wait is sending all my "control" issues into all sorts of frenzyesques. Anyone who knows me, knows I am all about a schedule, lists and knowing what is going to happen from one moment to the next. This last month, hell who am I kidding, this last year has thrown everything into a blender and hit mix on high speed. My husband and step-children whom I love more than anything don't follow a schedule, they are very much fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants people and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In many ways I am very envious of them. I was the oh it's 7:00 - time to get up and take the dog for his walk, 8:00 leave for work, work 8:30 to 4:30, 5:00 walk the pup, start dinner, do dishes, relax in front of the tv (or I had soccer practice, or theatre rehearal), 7 pm feed animals, 9 pm last walk for the dog, 9:30 warm bath to relax and bed 10-10:30, read my book and lights out at 11 only to start the next day all over again. Saturdays were a little more free for all (although there was a plan in place about of what I was doing the times were a little more flexible), every Sunday it was cleaning the entire apartment, with two Sundays for shopping and two for laundry which alternated weekly. It was structured and perhaps people will see it as "boring" but it worked for me. Now as I currently type this I realize several things first it's 6:43 a.m. not the 7:00 (or 7ish time I usually get up). There are dishes in the sink from last night, I won't be getting up to go to work - I am on "sick leave" for the rest of my pregnancy and I don't have a plan today. I made a list of things to get done last Friday and followed said schedule. And it felt oh so good, to have a list and know what was getting done next like visiting an old friend. It scares me a little that there will be no schedule and my somewhat controlled life and it will be even more uncontolled in a few short days. It feels somewhat selfish and wrong that I will be envious of this little life having in own schedule and I will bend to his needs and wants first.

I have always wanted to be mom, to have a created a life and bring a child up happy and healthy and I am so very excited but so very scared in the darkness of the wee hours of the morning.

There are things that I will miss about being pregnant too. I will miss feeling him move inside of me, I still marvel everytime. I will miss my pregnant belly, which again anyone who knows me this probably sounds false since I have issues with my weight but I do love sitting on the couch feeling the "roundness" of said belly or being in the in the shower and running my hands over it. I will miss that even though the first part of the blog make say the opposite, I have semi-schedule that will be once again thrown in the blender. But it's ok, it's worth it and I know that -it's what having a child and being a mom is all about.

He, much like my husband and his children, seems to be flying by the seat of his pants too and no matter what mommy control issues I have he is on his own schedule and will be coming when he feels like it (or next Saturday when I get induced) and I am ok with that because deep inside, despite any control or scheduling issues I know I have, I also know what matters, what really matters - not a schedule or a list - but a child, my child and as my good friend Rhonda said "Prepare to be Amazed" and that's better than any list I can imagine.