20 days to go

In 20 days and I will be Mrs. Collrin. Can't wait to be Paul's wife.

Things I am learning about myself

I am not a stay at home kinda person - I tried it for about two weeks. Paul and I had made an executive decision to cancel cable because we can download (or buy) anything we want to watch so while I don't sit around watching TV all day however I can only clean so much and although I still have a bunch of boxes to unpack but I have the whole weekend without Paul - who is working at the zoo - anyway I digress. I had an interview with Kelly Services today and I kicked some legal secretarial test ass and will be hopefully working soon.

I don't like this weather. I have been spoiled by Ontario weather - I am cold ALL THE TIME! I had a hot bath to take the chill out of my bones tonight I was freezing when I went to bed last nigh. When I woke up this morning, at Kelly Services, at Boston Pizza tonight. Apparently .I lived her for many, many years I forgot how cold it gets. I am currently in my winter flannel jammies with thick socks on.

On the motherhood side I learned that just because your fiance says he's taking his nine year old son home does not mean he won't forget his bookbag and come back. It also means I should not have an open door hot bath especially since the front door looks right into the bathroom -all I can say is thank God for shower curtains.

I am crazy in love with my animals and know now why that people who have animals live longer and less stressfully. Pepper and Cosmo have made this transition easy. Yes I said it... my animals. I have a sleeping puppy to my left and a sleeping (and snoring) kitty behinde on the couch. Paul is at the gym and it's one of those peaceful nights that I just love. I enjoy staying at home at night on the couch and just being by myself.

I am right - a lot of the time. And while this shouldn't be a big deal it is. Because mostly I was wrong no, not mostly but all the time when I was with Joe - I was constantly wrong - even when I wasn't and Paul lets me know that I am right and tells me I am and it does wonders for my self esteem and my self worth and that is one of the many many reasons I am in love with him because he's okay with being wrong and letting me be right even about trivial little things.

So while this move was big and scary it helps me learn some new things about myself and all in all that a very good thing indeed.

Taking a page from my good friend Jacki

I've been a little wary about posting this because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feeling but screw it, if you can't understand that I need to do this to get it out and get hurt by it then you don't know me very well and just don't get that sometimes, just sometimes you need to write it down so it doesn't eat you up. My good friend Jacki wrote about her dark place and how the door opened just enough that the whispers got louder than usual. She has a door - I have a tunnel that decends and once in I fall much like Alice going down the rabbithole desperate and scrabbling to grab something and grasp hold beginning the journey back into the light. Those who know me know that there was a time when I was so far down I didn't believe there was a light at the opening of the tunnel and it took about 2 years before I even saw the light let alone began the long journey towards it. It was a very, very dark time in my life and without my friends and skilled professionals I may never have come out on top.

I recently made a MAJOR change in my life and every so often I feel like I am decending just a little further down the tunnel. It scares the crap out of me because although I seem to grab a branch or two on the tumble down they break easily and I fall just a little further before grabbing another one. I am sad a lot, I cry at the drop of a hat and I miss everyone and everything that my old life was. It breaks my heart that this sadness seems to be a major theme in my life right now and I can't shake it. Will it get better? I hope to God that it will because I can't do this again - I can't fall so far where the light disappears - it's a descent I don't want to make and climb that would be difficult because there seems to be a lot of obstacles that block my way up. I can see them below me where falling into them would be easy and feel "good" but getting past them back up would be a struggle. Everyday I seem to fall a few feet and sometime I gain back what I lost and others I just don't have the strength to lift my arms and I feel like I need to rest awhile but I can't because resting just leads me further down the tunnel and I need all my strength just to hold on to where I am. All I feel I can't do now is put my faith in God and remember "If He leads you to it, He will lead you through it". So thank you so much to Jacki who gave me the strength to post this. We often seem to forget that we are not the only ones who go through life with struggles and we need to share these struggles with those we love and trust. It can lighten the load.