Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Reasons I will/won't miss my apartment

I will not miss waiting for the elevator.
I will not miss NOT having air conditioning
I will not miss havinig time constraints on when I can and cannot do laudry, but will miss being able to do 4 loads in 1.5 hours
I will not miss Paul not living here with me.
I will miss being able to watch what I want when I want but I'm okay with that.
I will not miss paying more for rent than mortgage.
I will miss my apartment the most because it's in KW and a lot of my friends are here and I will miss them.


I will not miss paying for a security locked buidling that does not in fact live up to that name.
I will not miss random people coming into my house to fix or view.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

How did we get from there to this?

Ok I think I am a very even tempered sort - I believe one of my bosses put it best when he said "You're very accomodating Paula" and no gutter minded people he was talking about Joe when he said it. So I told Joe I was getting married and we needed to (a) get me the money I put in the house (b) get me off title and (c) get me off the mortgage. I gave him three months in June; which I might add people said was more than generous. I gave him the lawyer referral number which he called in JULY, he also prepared a separation agreement which was and I quote from a legal person "one of the most self serving pieces of crap that I've ever seen - a lawyer drafted this?!?" I told her no and after getting several precedents I drafted one - she looked it over and offered her opinions as a friend, not legal counsel. Joe's was two pages long, mine was five. He talked about going to see a lawyer but I told him I was going on holiday and I would be back on August 10, 2010. I gave him my agreement on July 26. I sent an e-mail today telling him I'm back and could he make an appointment with the lawyer, at the end of the day I received no answer so I called and mentioned I sent an e-mail asking about the separation agreement. He said he hadn't read it. I thought please tell me you're talking about the e-mail but no, no he was talking about the agreement. Did I mention he had it for over two fucking weeks now. So I told him I had given him three months and I wanted to get this over with. His snarky ass answer "I want this over too." THEN READ AND SIGN THE AGREEMENT BUTTMUNCH!!!!!!! He said he would 'try' to get to it and would 'try' to print it off and read it.

Now I'm mad, initially I felt bad that I left him never mind the fact he told me he hasn't loved me or trusted me for the last seven years of our relationship, how he didn't want to "waste his money" on counselling (even though we were offered free counselling) that nothing I ever did was good enough or up to his standards, how he fucked me over regarding the house (I know Janet, I know) and some furnishings because he didn't want me to take them because they served his purpose more. How much money he's been putting in the house and not towards what he owes me. But now he's messing with my money and if I'm on title and someone gets hurt I'm liable and honestly I want this done to get it over and start on a clean slate with Paul and he threatening that and I won't let that happen. I am finally happy and in love and want to start my life. Joe says he "cares" about me and "wants to see me happy" but gets pissed when I don't do something exactly the way he wants. A wise woman said "Deeds are often more telling than words babe." - truer words have never been spoken. I just wished I'd seen it sooner. I don't hate him really I just don't understand and that hurts more than it angers me - he says things and then acts I different way. I just thought this wouldn't happen to him and I.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Oh... now I get it!

So I had my first experience with motherhood when I visited Paul this week - this week was for a couple of reasons: to spend some time together, revisit some long neglected friendships and meet the kids - Cally is 14 and Caleb is 9. And honestly two of the most adorable little people I have ever met. Paul and I are very much of the same page when it comes to raising ideas but it's easier to put them into action when I am there. A lot of the "rules" are things I had to follow when I was growing up. For example we all eat at the dinner table. Caleb is easily distracted and when cleaning the living room I found - two pizza crusts (under the couch cusions) a half eaten chocolate muffin on the second level of the coffee table and a piece of a sausage and that was just in the living room - don't get me started on his room. Eating at the table enables me to see how much he eats and control what he drinks. He didn't get pop at all when I was down and we limited to the juice intake and wow - what a difference.

He has to make his bed, set and clear the table and there is no fight at all I thought there would be an arguement but he seems to like doing it. We'll see how long that keeps up (lol).

I also understand "sibling rivilary" a little more only who knew there was so much to fight about. Paul said I'll develop "parental hearing" shortly but I have to apologize to my parents for the excessiveness of the car rides where someone 'touching' me wasn't really that much of an issue. We had the kids from Friday to the following Friday night and Paul said he misses them when he's gone and I figured he would enjoy the break however I so see it...they were gone on Saturday and I really missed them. The house was so quiet and well, it was just weird.

So when parents say they miss thier kids when they go away to visit grandparents or when the parent goes away for a bit I totally get it now and even as I sit in my apartment and get to watch what I want and it's quiet and I actually can get on the computer I miss them in a way that I would give this all up to see them again. I miss them in a way that makes my heart ache and makes me feel like I am missing a part of me. It's completely a diffrent way than I miss Paul and it's little simple things like getting hugs from them or hearing them say "I love you." So when parents say they miss the kids despite the fights and despite the constant chatter and the can I have, can I have, can I have I totally get it.