A whole range of emotions

I am moving...in 19 days and I have a range of emotions that I am going through. On one end I am very excited. A new city (sort of), a new job, a new life (with kids) and I get to be with Paul which in itself is amazing - no more watching tv on the phone together, getting to kiss and hug him whenever I want. But on the other hand I am sad. I am leaving a job I love, friends who are amazing and a city that I know - I know where things are - I love my apartment - I do love living alone and, sadly, I love that Tim Hortons is right across the street.

Regardless, today is a day that I am excited. I am packing like a mad woman I did laundry (which I had to pay for) for the last time - whoo hoo - and the fact that I am going to be sitting beside him in three weeks makes me so happy.

Yesterday was a bad day - I hated the idea of moving. It probably didn't help I spend nine hours at work filing and organizing - it just really hit me when I was "closing" things up at work and getting ready for the new girl.

And I had a long talk with Paul last night and feel so much better. And Jacki made a comment on my facebook that made me feel so much better (and the glass of wine in the bath probably didn't hurt either).

So we agreed that I'll be back and forth a while and that ok - I'm allowed :)

Reasons I will/won't miss my apartment

I will not miss waiting for the elevator.
I will not miss NOT having air conditioning
I will not miss havinig time constraints on when I can and cannot do laudry, but will miss being able to do 4 loads in 1.5 hours
I will not miss Paul not living here with me.
I will miss being able to watch what I want when I want but I'm okay with that.
I will not miss paying more for rent than mortgage.
I will miss my apartment the most because it's in KW and a lot of my friends are here and I will miss them.

Updates

I will not miss paying for a security locked buidling that does not in fact live up to that name.
I will not miss random people coming into my house to fix or view.

How did we get from there to this?

Ok I think I am a very even tempered sort - I believe one of my bosses put it best when he said "You're very accomodating Paula" and no gutter minded people he was talking about Joe when he said it. So I told Joe I was getting married and we needed to (a) get me the money I put in the house (b) get me off title and (c) get me off the mortgage. I gave him three months in June; which I might add people said was more than generous. I gave him the lawyer referral number which he called in JULY, he also prepared a separation agreement which was and I quote from a legal person "one of the most self serving pieces of crap that I've ever seen - a lawyer drafted this?!?" I told her no and after getting several precedents I drafted one - she looked it over and offered her opinions as a friend, not legal counsel. Joe's was two pages long, mine was five. He talked about going to see a lawyer but I told him I was going on holiday and I would be back on August 10, 2010. I gave him my agreement on July 26. I sent an e-mail today telling him I'm back and could he make an appointment with the lawyer, at the end of the day I received no answer so I called and mentioned I sent an e-mail asking about the separation agreement. He said he hadn't read it. I thought please tell me you're talking about the e-mail but no, no he was talking about the agreement. Did I mention he had it for over two fucking weeks now. So I told him I had given him three months and I wanted to get this over with. His snarky ass answer "I want this over too." THEN READ AND SIGN THE AGREEMENT BUTTMUNCH!!!!!!! He said he would 'try' to get to it and would 'try' to print it off and read it.

Now I'm mad, initially I felt bad that I left him never mind the fact he told me he hasn't loved me or trusted me for the last seven years of our relationship, how he didn't want to "waste his money" on counselling (even though we were offered free counselling) that nothing I ever did was good enough or up to his standards, how he fucked me over regarding the house (I know Janet, I know) and some furnishings because he didn't want me to take them because they served his purpose more. How much money he's been putting in the house and not towards what he owes me. But now he's messing with my money and if I'm on title and someone gets hurt I'm liable and honestly I want this done to get it over and start on a clean slate with Paul and he threatening that and I won't let that happen. I am finally happy and in love and want to start my life. Joe says he "cares" about me and "wants to see me happy" but gets pissed when I don't do something exactly the way he wants. A wise woman said "Deeds are often more telling than words babe." - truer words have never been spoken. I just wished I'd seen it sooner. I don't hate him really I just don't understand and that hurts more than it angers me - he says things and then acts I different way. I just thought this wouldn't happen to him and I.

Oh... now I get it!

So I had my first experience with motherhood when I visited Paul this week - this week was for a couple of reasons: to spend some time together, revisit some long neglected friendships and meet the kids - Cally is 14 and Caleb is 9. And honestly two of the most adorable little people I have ever met. Paul and I are very much of the same page when it comes to raising ideas but it's easier to put them into action when I am there. A lot of the "rules" are things I had to follow when I was growing up. For example we all eat at the dinner table. Caleb is easily distracted and when cleaning the living room I found - two pizza crusts (under the couch cusions) a half eaten chocolate muffin on the second level of the coffee table and a piece of a sausage and that was just in the living room - don't get me started on his room. Eating at the table enables me to see how much he eats and control what he drinks. He didn't get pop at all when I was down and we limited to the juice intake and wow - what a difference.

He has to make his bed, set and clear the table and there is no fight at all I thought there would be an arguement but he seems to like doing it. We'll see how long that keeps up (lol).

I also understand "sibling rivilary" a little more only who knew there was so much to fight about. Paul said I'll develop "parental hearing" shortly but I have to apologize to my parents for the excessiveness of the car rides where someone 'touching' me wasn't really that much of an issue. We had the kids from Friday to the following Friday night and Paul said he misses them when he's gone and I figured he would enjoy the break however I so see it...they were gone on Saturday and I really missed them. The house was so quiet and well, it was just weird.

So when parents say they miss thier kids when they go away to visit grandparents or when the parent goes away for a bit I totally get it now and even as I sit in my apartment and get to watch what I want and it's quiet and I actually can get on the computer I miss them in a way that I would give this all up to see them again. I miss them in a way that makes my heart ache and makes me feel like I am missing a part of me. It's completely a diffrent way than I miss Paul and it's little simple things like getting hugs from them or hearing them say "I love you." So when parents say they miss the kids despite the fights and despite the constant chatter and the can I have, can I have, can I have I totally get it.

The proposal

So by now you must know Paul and I are engaged - here's the story:

Paul and I were on the phone on Thursday before his flight and before I hung up, I said "See you soon, don't die in a fiery plane crash." and he said okay.

I make my way to the airport and upon arrival look for Paul's flight.....I can't find it ANYWHERE.

I make my way to arrivals and still nothing. So of course I'm all like OMG he died in a fiery plane crash. You can see the flights listed;St. John's is there but no Saint John. A few minutes later he comes out looking o' so sexy. I walk over and hug him and we give each other an inappropriate airport kiss. I am holding his hand and start to walk away chattering away "your flight wasn't listed etc etc blah blah blah" He pulls me back and I half turn back to him and he's on one knee with the ring box. I say " What are you doing?" (very romantic eh?). He opens it and says "Paula Lumini I love you. Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife." I say "Oh my God"....repeatedly. I must have said it like six times before it dawns on me I haven't given him an answer yet. Then I can't seem to say anything. I nod my head vigorously, get all teary-eyed and say "Yes, I will marry you." He stands up and hugs me, places the ring on my finger and the everyone in arrivals applauds. I turn around and say "thank you." We go to the Tim Horton's everyone is congratulating us - and that's the story of my marriage proposal. Most awesome story ever, well I think so mostly because it belongs to Paul and I.

My cat has ADHD

Since Paul's youngest has ADHD I thought I would do some research - the kids and I are meeting in July and I want to be somewhat informed. I learned that the most prevalent symptoms of ADD ADHD are inattention and distractibility, hyperactivity and impulsive behaviors. Difficulties with concentration, mental focus, and inhibition of impulses and behaviors are chronic and pervasive and impair an individual’s daily functioning across various settings -- OMG I was shocked, suprised and a little stunned. Pepper Static, my not yet nine month old kitten has ADHD...or at least all the symptoms. For example she was bugging the dog so I attempt to distracct her with a kleenex - stop laughing it works - so looks up and begins to come over to investigate but somehow in the 8 to 10 steps coming over a candle (not lit one that's been sitting there) grabs her attention the kleenex is lost - inattention. As for distractibility did you hear me mention the kleenex. Impusive behaviours - one minute she's lying quiety next second she has to be in the next room for some reason RIGHT AWAY! If the dog runs to fetch a toy the cat freaks out. However I don't think she needs kitty meds because her daily funtion isn't impaired.

In all seriousness I am asking parents with children with this to give some advice on relating to Paul's little guy.

Thanks!

You can learn things about yourself even at 38

So I've been sick (really sick) for the past three days. There is this whole issue of staying home and not infecting the rest of the office which is a great idea....in theory. What happens when you can't do that. It's a well known fact that most stuff is contagious before the symptoms appear http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=42618 is a great article about should you go to work or not. It's worrisome that it suggests you could get fired if you are out for longer than three days if you haven't been there for a year.
Anyway I digress. I learned a couple of things about myself - when I am very sick I am a big baby - this isn't new I knew this. I had to go to work - there was a major project that I had to do, yes once again the powers that be decided instead of telling more than one person they put it on me - I have always wondered why; what would happen if I was hit by a bus. Who would do the work then, again I digress. I woke up on Monday feeling horrific, sneezing, sore throat, coughing, muscles aches, fuzzy head oh it was awful. I somehow got up, walked the pup and dragged myself to work Monday and Tuesday and got the project done but it was awful - extremely awful - Monday being the worst of the two days. So I learned that when you are at your worst you still have something deep down inside you that you can push through and get done what needs to get done.
I have often wondered what single or stay-at-home moms do when they are that sick and cannot get up but have to to take care of the kids. I often wondered when I have kids will I be a bad mom if I cannot get up to take care if the baby. I now know I can because I have that thing deep down inside that all moms must have to get up and do what has to be done and that's not a bad thing to learn about yourself. To think I learned it at 38 :)