Monday, March 19, 2012

So....this is it

I was very reluctant about writing this but hopefully it will help. As you all know I have a new man in my life. A man that I love unconditionally, who makes me laugh and giggle and light up every single time I see him - no matter what time, no matter where. Jacob. Just saying his name puts a smile on my face. It's been him and I 24/7 since the moment I laid my eyes on him and for the last six months....and now it's all coming to an end. I am going but to work on the day my son turns six months old. In six short days. We have what I believe an excellent caregiver who will spend more time with my son's waking hours during the week than I will. Who in all likelihood will see the first time he rolls over, the first time he crawls, his first step, his first word and many other firsts I am going to miss and cannot get back.

Short term pain versus long term gain is what's been said to me Going back early isn't something I HAVE to do but it makes more sense in the long term for reasons that I am not going to get in to.

I am awake at 2:15 now and have been in his room five times in the last three hours to watch him sleep and marvel how such a little person can bring out such a strong rush of love. It hurts that I won't get him all day, every day. Would this hurts less six months from now - no I truly know that but I have the logic of a gnat right now because of the emotions this brings up. I feel like a bad mother, what kind of mother abandons her child in their formative years - a bad one. Will he think I am abandoning him, that I leave him with someone else because I don't want to be around him? Again, logic vs. emotion. And emotion seems to be winning right now.

As my wise husband said to me "He'll be there at the end of the day." Logically, I know we will all be fine and it will make my day worth it when I see his face. If only that logic side of me spoke a little louder.

No comments: