So....this is it

I was very reluctant about writing this but hopefully it will help. As you all know I have a new man in my life. A man that I love unconditionally, who makes me laugh and giggle and light up every single time I see him - no matter what time, no matter where. Jacob. Just saying his name puts a smile on my face. It's been him and I 24/7 since the moment I laid my eyes on him and for the last six months....and now it's all coming to an end. I am going but to work on the day my son turns six months old. In six short days. We have what I believe an excellent caregiver who will spend more time with my son's waking hours during the week than I will. Who in all likelihood will see the first time he rolls over, the first time he crawls, his first step, his first word and many other firsts I am going to miss and cannot get back.

Short term pain versus long term gain is what's been said to me Going back early isn't something I HAVE to do but it makes more sense in the long term for reasons that I am not going to get in to.

I am awake at 2:15 now and have been in his room five times in the last three hours to watch him sleep and marvel how such a little person can bring out such a strong rush of love. It hurts that I won't get him all day, every day. Would this hurts less six months from now - no I truly know that but I have the logic of a gnat right now because of the emotions this brings up. I feel like a bad mother, what kind of mother abandons her child in their formative years - a bad one. Will he think I am abandoning him, that I leave him with someone else because I don't want to be around him? Again, logic vs. emotion. And emotion seems to be winning right now.

As my wise husband said to me "He'll be there at the end of the day." Logically, I know we will all be fine and it will make my day worth it when I see his face. If only that logic side of me spoke a little louder.

Come out come out wherever you are

I should really say whenever not wherever since I know exactly where he is. So here it is 6:28 a.m. on September 19, 2011. My boy is officially two days late and the wait is sending all my "control" issues into all sorts of frenzyesques. Anyone who knows me, knows I am all about a schedule, lists and knowing what is going to happen from one moment to the next. This last month, hell who am I kidding, this last year has thrown everything into a blender and hit mix on high speed. My husband and step-children whom I love more than anything don't follow a schedule, they are very much fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants people and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. In many ways I am very envious of them. I was the oh it's 7:00 - time to get up and take the dog for his walk, 8:00 leave for work, work 8:30 to 4:30, 5:00 walk the pup, start dinner, do dishes, relax in front of the tv (or I had soccer practice, or theatre rehearal), 7 pm feed animals, 9 pm last walk for the dog, 9:30 warm bath to relax and bed 10-10:30, read my book and lights out at 11 only to start the next day all over again. Saturdays were a little more free for all (although there was a plan in place about of what I was doing the times were a little more flexible), every Sunday it was cleaning the entire apartment, with two Sundays for shopping and two for laundry which alternated weekly. It was structured and perhaps people will see it as "boring" but it worked for me. Now as I currently type this I realize several things first it's 6:43 a.m. not the 7:00 (or 7ish time I usually get up). There are dishes in the sink from last night, I won't be getting up to go to work - I am on "sick leave" for the rest of my pregnancy and I don't have a plan today. I made a list of things to get done last Friday and followed said schedule. And it felt oh so good, to have a list and know what was getting done next like visiting an old friend. It scares me a little that there will be no schedule and my somewhat controlled life and it will be even more uncontolled in a few short days. It feels somewhat selfish and wrong that I will be envious of this little life having in own schedule and I will bend to his needs and wants first.

I have always wanted to be mom, to have a created a life and bring a child up happy and healthy and I am so very excited but so very scared in the darkness of the wee hours of the morning.

There are things that I will miss about being pregnant too. I will miss feeling him move inside of me, I still marvel everytime. I will miss my pregnant belly, which again anyone who knows me this probably sounds false since I have issues with my weight but I do love sitting on the couch feeling the "roundness" of said belly or being in the in the shower and running my hands over it. I will miss that even though the first part of the blog make say the opposite, I have semi-schedule that will be once again thrown in the blender. But it's ok, it's worth it and I know that -it's what having a child and being a mom is all about.

He, much like my husband and his children, seems to be flying by the seat of his pants too and no matter what mommy control issues I have he is on his own schedule and will be coming when he feels like it (or next Saturday when I get induced) and I am ok with that because deep inside, despite any control or scheduling issues I know I have, I also know what matters, what really matters - not a schedule or a list - but a child, my child and as my good friend Rhonda said "Prepare to be Amazed" and that's better than any list I can imagine.

Well...it's been awhile

...since my last post but here it is. Spring/summer is definatly here and this is when I start loving Saint John again. The nights are warm, it's light later and you actually hear the crickets and can see lots and lots of stars when it gets darker.

This summer is going to awesome but different than any summer I have ever known. When I was 19-20 we would sit outside at the boardwalk and watch things that were going on - bands, talent shows, and Friday and Saturday night sit outside enjoying rum and cokes with occassional trip inside to dance and then it's back outside to cool off the lean against your honey - who incidentally at that time in my life - was Paul more often than not. What can I say he always had me - wish it hadn't taken me so damn long to realize it though.

Nowadays it's bonfires, bbqs and booze (in much more moderation these days). But this summer will be different. I'll miss my strawberry daquaris and will be a little further away from the bonfire smoke but it'll all be worth it because come September there will be a little life that I have been responsible the last six months now - wow - soon I'll be in my last trimester. Every time the baby moves it's miraculous, everytime it kicks I marvel, everytime Paul says he feels the baby my heart swells. The baby belly is definatly there and will only get bigger but it will be a summer I'll never forget - my baby and the love of my life - what more could a girl ask for.

Second trimester - here I come!

Well, it’s been awhile since my last post, I would like to say it’s ‘cause I’m so busy but it’s moreso Paul doesn’t like it when I am supposed to be spending “quality time” watching T.V. with him – which I do – but he gets a little irked when I am on the computer while doing so. The things you do for your spouse eh?
Well here I in the my second trimester, the first one went by fast – not that it seemed it with the morning/noon and night sickness, weird cravings and fatigue. We’ve had two ultrasounds so far and are in for a few more before it’s all over. Mostly because of my age. I’ve heard the baby’s heartbeat three times which is cool. I still marvel there is a person growing inside of me. I could look at the ultrasound pictures every day of my life (and do since they are taped to my desk).
My job will be ending is six weeks which has me in a bit of panic state since I don’t have anything to go to yet. A lot of applications but until I hear you’re hired I don’t think I breath quite so easy.
Home life is good – puppy is growing and we bought our first major baby purchase- a playpen with a bassinet in it. Paul is an awesome mate and I am happy we’re married – might be a little moreso in Ontario but I’ll be visiting when the baby comes.
That’s all for now – more pregnancy updates to follow!

And baby makes 5 Well it's official and while we're basically keeping it hush, hush most who know about this blog know I am with child. I was "late" last month and took another test which came out negative. This month I was also late but didn't want to take the test because I thought "why bother, it's just going to be negative and I'll be sad" Well I took the test and

I was beyond excited. Everyday I marvel at a little person growing inside of me. I was sent "Reflections of Motherhood " on youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taDqKWWPDAY and I thought Oh yeah that's nice - now I can't watch it without tearing up - I am excited and cannot wait until I am past my first trimester and can start yelling it from the rooftops but I also know that is probably my one and only baby and I treasure every single day of my pregnancy knowing each day is a gift and I marvel that God has given me this beautiful treasure. I want to experience everyday and not rush through this. To quote Aerosmith - I don't want to miss a thing

Diary of a puppy owner

We have acquired two new girl puppies (lab/shepherd cross) and I need to start training now - we are purchasing one more crate to start crate training the puppies but they need to be six months before they can be in the crate for 8 hours and these little guys are one two months but they do need to start getting used to their crates. They can make it about 8 hours at night without accidents because they are in the bathroom with a blanket, they go down about 11 and get up around 7 (which will change to 6:45 when I start work) and this will serve as a diary as well as help me figure out their schedules

So today so far was as follows:

Fizzle (F) and Nayla (N)

7am - up of puppies out - both peed and pooed

7:30 - food and water provided
-
8:00 F peed (in the house)

8:30 N (pooed in house)

9:00 - puppies napped

9:49 - F peed outside

9:58 - F peed outside and pooed; N peed

10:10 - puppied napped.

When N and F go into the dining room it is a sure-fire sign they need to go outside,

Puppies will need to be crated 4 times a day for 1/2 to 1 hour a day (when napping -3 times and during meals)

Cosmo had a panic attack today - it was standard (if you can call a panic attack standard).

We need to create a puppy room for the day when we are gone for eight hours so that will be done today. Hopefully pictures to follow.

It wasn't a trip back it was an adventure

So as we know Paul and I are married. Sunday, after the wedding, as decided we head back to NB. We left early (about 10:o0ish) and planned to drive straight through. Before we even get out of Ontario the 401 is backed up and crawl along for about FIVE hours. Apparently there was a fatal accident and we were nowhere near the next exit. So we get off the next exit and continue on. By the time we get to Quebec it's 11th at night. At this point Paul has driven for over 12 hours and we are exhausted - we also have about 10 hours of driving left. So we decided to stop for the night - we get to a Hilton Express and have some dinner

We head out the next day at noon - after an awesome breakfast and the kids get to go for a swim. So we head out the next day and the GPS seems to take us on all these back roads but Paul although concerned thought it was just because he upated the GPS. We eventually see a sign to MAINE!!!!!! At this point it's around 5 p.m. We hit the border - without passports because we never planned to go through the States. I get out to talk to the Canadian side, explain what happened, they talk to Paul, call the States side (which incidently was right across the street), we get back and explain the seriousness to the kids and that they may need to talk to the border people. Poor Caleb gets so freaked out while we are talking to the border guards, he throws up everywhere. Paul asks to get out for him and he gets Caleb out of the car who is still sick. He takes him in the bathroom, the guards talk to Cally and I get to clean the back of the car out. They pretty much at that point they just wave us through.

I didn't stop at the bathroom because I was busy. We get in the car and I realize I have puke of my jeans. We stop a few miles down, I start to go in until Paul points out the "No washroom" sign. We drive through the States, we get to a gas station to gas up, that didn't take Canadian money (really!?!?) so we have to keep going. We stop at another station to get some food and I ask if they have a washroom, the guys says yeah outside. I go outside and it's a portapotty and at that point I just don't care anymore and change. We start heading out and all day I haven't felt 100% but decide to ignore it however it is steadily getting worse. We are now ridiculously late and have to call the kids mom who lets just say wasn't very happy. Paul and I are driving and the pain is now so bad only I don't want to say anything because I don't want to scare the kids. Only at one point it's so bad I pass out. Apparently Paul was shaking me and trying to get me to wake up for 10 minutes. So much for not scaring the kids (or Paul for that matter). We get back to Canada and they wave us through. We have now driving through sun, rain, freezing rain, a ridiculous amount of fog and now snow. We get off the highway and are about 5 minutes from Heidi's house when we get pulled over for speeding. Paul explains the situation and he lets us off with a warning. We drop the kids off and head to the hospital where we are until 3 in the morning. We get home with some medicine for my stomach.

The next time - we fly.