Halloween or a makeshift thereof

Paul and I didn't get the kids for Halloween this year but we did get them pumpkins and we made "graveyard brownies". CR (the girl) didn't get to carve her's but CM did (she was at a friend's house and Paul was working and I was out when she wanted it brought to her friends house). We had hardly any kids this year which was too bad considering the junk we bought which is now presently gone - the last of the chocolate was consumed tonight. I did get a few pictures but no costume pics. Caleb apparently went as a Freddy Kruger and Jason (Friday the 13th) combo - he has the mask of Jason and the claw hand of Freddy and Cally went as a witch.

Anyway I have been told (by the mom) I no longer am allowed to post picutres of Caleb on FB but no one a said anything about here.

Not sure how to do this....

...but it seems I am doing it wrong. I try to be a good person and a good step-mom however I feel inadequate at the best of times. For example five weeks in we have been implementing a chore list. We've been gradually introducing things the kids can do for an allowance. g Dishes, vacuming, dusting, making their beds and to be consistent and fair Paula and dad have chores too. Tonight we went to see Dracula Symphony put on by Paul's school. Please don't get me started - I don't have strength unless you specifically ask me I won't bore you (or perhaps make you laugh). As a side note I would like to point out I am not allowed to make my true opinion known because Paul has to work with this man - however I think as a creative person I would WANT to know and not just be pandered to. As an actress tell what I did well and tell me where I can improve - if you are paying to see a production you should feel you got your money worth and if you don't tell me how to fix it so that you do come back and you are entertained because otherwise I'll be playing to an empty audience and that's no fun.

As always - I digress. My step daughter has dishes to do - not even every night, every second night at that. And she only has to wash them I dry and then every other night I wash and my step son dries. So tonight she had a friend over and requested that the dishes get left until after the play so I said sure but inside my OCD head was whispering "No do them now." So we went to Dracula and then came home to drop the kids off because we (and by we I mean Paul because he made the decision for me) that we were heading over to a friend's place to watch a new tv series about zombies. I have zero interest but went because Paul insisted "everybody" was going to be there so I arrive and not one wife or girlfriend is to be seen. I was pissed but didn't say anything. I was more pissed because apparently Paul was told this but forgot - but that is a whole other post. We left here at nine and got back at eleven - took the dog out for a quick pee come in and walk into the kitchen...I know see where I am going with this. I was furious. Now let me explain my fury as I left I said to "C I want those dishes done before we get home" not only are they not done but she's asleep which means she had no intention of doing them and if anyone knows me they know I physically cannot go to bed with dirty dishes it's a sickness I wish I could but I'd be up all night tossing and turning about it.

I don't know what to do - I don't know how to enforce rules that weren't in place after the breakup but I do know, I can't live like this. I headed downstairs and I see an empty bag of chips and a empty juice can and someone has moved a chair (which I hate). I feel like a maid sometimes, the house is freakin' disaster. Nothing was out of place in my apartment and I cleaned every week because it was my mess but now I have three other people who either can't or won't and all I am trying to enlist some help but none of them seem to want to. I actually got flak because dinner took so long the other night. I have been working full days and the last thing I want to do is come home and make dinner but I do it - what I don't need is getting told that I am taking too long.

Anyway this post is loooong overdue and holds a whole lot of venting but I need to do this I need to get it all out but what I especially need is advice 'cause obviously I'm not doing it right.

20 days to go

In 20 days and I will be Mrs. Collrin. Can't wait to be Paul's wife.

Things I am learning about myself

I am not a stay at home kinda person - I tried it for about two weeks. Paul and I had made an executive decision to cancel cable because we can download (or buy) anything we want to watch so while I don't sit around watching TV all day however I can only clean so much and although I still have a bunch of boxes to unpack but I have the whole weekend without Paul - who is working at the zoo - anyway I digress. I had an interview with Kelly Services today and I kicked some legal secretarial test ass and will be hopefully working soon.

I don't like this weather. I have been spoiled by Ontario weather - I am cold ALL THE TIME! I had a hot bath to take the chill out of my bones tonight I was freezing when I went to bed last nigh. When I woke up this morning, at Kelly Services, at Boston Pizza tonight. Apparently .I lived her for many, many years I forgot how cold it gets. I am currently in my winter flannel jammies with thick socks on.

On the motherhood side I learned that just because your fiance says he's taking his nine year old son home does not mean he won't forget his bookbag and come back. It also means I should not have an open door hot bath especially since the front door looks right into the bathroom -all I can say is thank God for shower curtains.

I am crazy in love with my animals and know now why that people who have animals live longer and less stressfully. Pepper and Cosmo have made this transition easy. Yes I said it... my animals. I have a sleeping puppy to my left and a sleeping (and snoring) kitty behinde on the couch. Paul is at the gym and it's one of those peaceful nights that I just love. I enjoy staying at home at night on the couch and just being by myself.

I am right - a lot of the time. And while this shouldn't be a big deal it is. Because mostly I was wrong no, not mostly but all the time when I was with Joe - I was constantly wrong - even when I wasn't and Paul lets me know that I am right and tells me I am and it does wonders for my self esteem and my self worth and that is one of the many many reasons I am in love with him because he's okay with being wrong and letting me be right even about trivial little things.

So while this move was big and scary it helps me learn some new things about myself and all in all that a very good thing indeed.

Taking a page from my good friend Jacki

I've been a little wary about posting this because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feeling but screw it, if you can't understand that I need to do this to get it out and get hurt by it then you don't know me very well and just don't get that sometimes, just sometimes you need to write it down so it doesn't eat you up. My good friend Jacki wrote about her dark place and how the door opened just enough that the whispers got louder than usual. She has a door - I have a tunnel that decends and once in I fall much like Alice going down the rabbithole desperate and scrabbling to grab something and grasp hold beginning the journey back into the light. Those who know me know that there was a time when I was so far down I didn't believe there was a light at the opening of the tunnel and it took about 2 years before I even saw the light let alone began the long journey towards it. It was a very, very dark time in my life and without my friends and skilled professionals I may never have come out on top.

I recently made a MAJOR change in my life and every so often I feel like I am decending just a little further down the tunnel. It scares the crap out of me because although I seem to grab a branch or two on the tumble down they break easily and I fall just a little further before grabbing another one. I am sad a lot, I cry at the drop of a hat and I miss everyone and everything that my old life was. It breaks my heart that this sadness seems to be a major theme in my life right now and I can't shake it. Will it get better? I hope to God that it will because I can't do this again - I can't fall so far where the light disappears - it's a descent I don't want to make and climb that would be difficult because there seems to be a lot of obstacles that block my way up. I can see them below me where falling into them would be easy and feel "good" but getting past them back up would be a struggle. Everyday I seem to fall a few feet and sometime I gain back what I lost and others I just don't have the strength to lift my arms and I feel like I need to rest awhile but I can't because resting just leads me further down the tunnel and I need all my strength just to hold on to where I am. All I feel I can't do now is put my faith in God and remember "If He leads you to it, He will lead you through it". So thank you so much to Jacki who gave me the strength to post this. We often seem to forget that we are not the only ones who go through life with struggles and we need to share these struggles with those we love and trust. It can lighten the load.

Welcome to my obstacle course

So I have reached the point where I have less to pack than I have packed - the p.roblem now is it's piddly stuff - I also can't pack EVERYTHING because I still have 15 days before I go. I need 10 work outfits and I need 2 necessity boxes, 1 Comso box and a Pepper box. And now my apartment, which is quite large has become somewhat of an obstacle course

The dogs is getting a little uneasy - last time this happened he lost 3/5 of his pack. And gained a litten (while they'd never admit it they love each other) and although he doesn't realize it he's gonna gain 3 pack members only they will be of the human variety and it won't be all the time since we only get the kids for 3.5 hours a day and every second weekend.

The cat however is having a blast - she in boxes and out, behind object and can jump from box to box like a bunny (or a cat).

I can't believe I'm almost down to two weeks and Paul isn't just coming for a visit. He's coming to take me home.

A whole range of emotions

I am moving...in 19 days and I have a range of emotions that I am going through. On one end I am very excited. A new city (sort of), a new job, a new life (with kids) and I get to be with Paul which in itself is amazing - no more watching tv on the phone together, getting to kiss and hug him whenever I want. But on the other hand I am sad. I am leaving a job I love, friends who are amazing and a city that I know - I know where things are - I love my apartment - I do love living alone and, sadly, I love that Tim Hortons is right across the street.

Regardless, today is a day that I am excited. I am packing like a mad woman I did laundry (which I had to pay for) for the last time - whoo hoo - and the fact that I am going to be sitting beside him in three weeks makes me so happy.

Yesterday was a bad day - I hated the idea of moving. It probably didn't help I spend nine hours at work filing and organizing - it just really hit me when I was "closing" things up at work and getting ready for the new girl.

And I had a long talk with Paul last night and feel so much better. And Jacki made a comment on my facebook that made me feel so much better (and the glass of wine in the bath probably didn't hurt either).

So we agreed that I'll be back and forth a while and that ok - I'm allowed :)