20 days to go

In 20 days and I will be Mrs. Collrin. Can't wait to be Paul's wife.

Things I am learning about myself

I am not a stay at home kinda person - I tried it for about two weeks. Paul and I had made an executive decision to cancel cable because we can download (or buy) anything we want to watch so while I don't sit around watching TV all day however I can only clean so much and although I still have a bunch of boxes to unpack but I have the whole weekend without Paul - who is working at the zoo - anyway I digress. I had an interview with Kelly Services today and I kicked some legal secretarial test ass and will be hopefully working soon.

I don't like this weather. I have been spoiled by Ontario weather - I am cold ALL THE TIME! I had a hot bath to take the chill out of my bones tonight I was freezing when I went to bed last nigh. When I woke up this morning, at Kelly Services, at Boston Pizza tonight. Apparently .I lived her for many, many years I forgot how cold it gets. I am currently in my winter flannel jammies with thick socks on.

On the motherhood side I learned that just because your fiance says he's taking his nine year old son home does not mean he won't forget his bookbag and come back. It also means I should not have an open door hot bath especially since the front door looks right into the bathroom -all I can say is thank God for shower curtains.

I am crazy in love with my animals and know now why that people who have animals live longer and less stressfully. Pepper and Cosmo have made this transition easy. Yes I said it... my animals. I have a sleeping puppy to my left and a sleeping (and snoring) kitty behinde on the couch. Paul is at the gym and it's one of those peaceful nights that I just love. I enjoy staying at home at night on the couch and just being by myself.

I am right - a lot of the time. And while this shouldn't be a big deal it is. Because mostly I was wrong no, not mostly but all the time when I was with Joe - I was constantly wrong - even when I wasn't and Paul lets me know that I am right and tells me I am and it does wonders for my self esteem and my self worth and that is one of the many many reasons I am in love with him because he's okay with being wrong and letting me be right even about trivial little things.

So while this move was big and scary it helps me learn some new things about myself and all in all that a very good thing indeed.

Taking a page from my good friend Jacki

I've been a little wary about posting this because I didn't want to hurt anyone's feeling but screw it, if you can't understand that I need to do this to get it out and get hurt by it then you don't know me very well and just don't get that sometimes, just sometimes you need to write it down so it doesn't eat you up. My good friend Jacki wrote about her dark place and how the door opened just enough that the whispers got louder than usual. She has a door - I have a tunnel that decends and once in I fall much like Alice going down the rabbithole desperate and scrabbling to grab something and grasp hold beginning the journey back into the light. Those who know me know that there was a time when I was so far down I didn't believe there was a light at the opening of the tunnel and it took about 2 years before I even saw the light let alone began the long journey towards it. It was a very, very dark time in my life and without my friends and skilled professionals I may never have come out on top.

I recently made a MAJOR change in my life and every so often I feel like I am decending just a little further down the tunnel. It scares the crap out of me because although I seem to grab a branch or two on the tumble down they break easily and I fall just a little further before grabbing another one. I am sad a lot, I cry at the drop of a hat and I miss everyone and everything that my old life was. It breaks my heart that this sadness seems to be a major theme in my life right now and I can't shake it. Will it get better? I hope to God that it will because I can't do this again - I can't fall so far where the light disappears - it's a descent I don't want to make and climb that would be difficult because there seems to be a lot of obstacles that block my way up. I can see them below me where falling into them would be easy and feel "good" but getting past them back up would be a struggle. Everyday I seem to fall a few feet and sometime I gain back what I lost and others I just don't have the strength to lift my arms and I feel like I need to rest awhile but I can't because resting just leads me further down the tunnel and I need all my strength just to hold on to where I am. All I feel I can't do now is put my faith in God and remember "If He leads you to it, He will lead you through it". So thank you so much to Jacki who gave me the strength to post this. We often seem to forget that we are not the only ones who go through life with struggles and we need to share these struggles with those we love and trust. It can lighten the load.

Welcome to my obstacle course

So I have reached the point where I have less to pack than I have packed - the p.roblem now is it's piddly stuff - I also can't pack EVERYTHING because I still have 15 days before I go. I need 10 work outfits and I need 2 necessity boxes, 1 Comso box and a Pepper box. And now my apartment, which is quite large has become somewhat of an obstacle course

The dogs is getting a little uneasy - last time this happened he lost 3/5 of his pack. And gained a litten (while they'd never admit it they love each other) and although he doesn't realize it he's gonna gain 3 pack members only they will be of the human variety and it won't be all the time since we only get the kids for 3.5 hours a day and every second weekend.

The cat however is having a blast - she in boxes and out, behind object and can jump from box to box like a bunny (or a cat).

I can't believe I'm almost down to two weeks and Paul isn't just coming for a visit. He's coming to take me home.

A whole range of emotions

I am moving...in 19 days and I have a range of emotions that I am going through. On one end I am very excited. A new city (sort of), a new job, a new life (with kids) and I get to be with Paul which in itself is amazing - no more watching tv on the phone together, getting to kiss and hug him whenever I want. But on the other hand I am sad. I am leaving a job I love, friends who are amazing and a city that I know - I know where things are - I love my apartment - I do love living alone and, sadly, I love that Tim Hortons is right across the street.

Regardless, today is a day that I am excited. I am packing like a mad woman I did laundry (which I had to pay for) for the last time - whoo hoo - and the fact that I am going to be sitting beside him in three weeks makes me so happy.

Yesterday was a bad day - I hated the idea of moving. It probably didn't help I spend nine hours at work filing and organizing - it just really hit me when I was "closing" things up at work and getting ready for the new girl.

And I had a long talk with Paul last night and feel so much better. And Jacki made a comment on my facebook that made me feel so much better (and the glass of wine in the bath probably didn't hurt either).

So we agreed that I'll be back and forth a while and that ok - I'm allowed :)

Reasons I will/won't miss my apartment

I will not miss waiting for the elevator.
I will not miss NOT having air conditioning
I will not miss havinig time constraints on when I can and cannot do laudry, but will miss being able to do 4 loads in 1.5 hours
I will not miss Paul not living here with me.
I will miss being able to watch what I want when I want but I'm okay with that.
I will not miss paying more for rent than mortgage.
I will miss my apartment the most because it's in KW and a lot of my friends are here and I will miss them.

Updates

I will not miss paying for a security locked buidling that does not in fact live up to that name.
I will not miss random people coming into my house to fix or view.

How did we get from there to this?

Ok I think I am a very even tempered sort - I believe one of my bosses put it best when he said "You're very accomodating Paula" and no gutter minded people he was talking about Joe when he said it. So I told Joe I was getting married and we needed to (a) get me the money I put in the house (b) get me off title and (c) get me off the mortgage. I gave him three months in June; which I might add people said was more than generous. I gave him the lawyer referral number which he called in JULY, he also prepared a separation agreement which was and I quote from a legal person "one of the most self serving pieces of crap that I've ever seen - a lawyer drafted this?!?" I told her no and after getting several precedents I drafted one - she looked it over and offered her opinions as a friend, not legal counsel. Joe's was two pages long, mine was five. He talked about going to see a lawyer but I told him I was going on holiday and I would be back on August 10, 2010. I gave him my agreement on July 26. I sent an e-mail today telling him I'm back and could he make an appointment with the lawyer, at the end of the day I received no answer so I called and mentioned I sent an e-mail asking about the separation agreement. He said he hadn't read it. I thought please tell me you're talking about the e-mail but no, no he was talking about the agreement. Did I mention he had it for over two fucking weeks now. So I told him I had given him three months and I wanted to get this over with. His snarky ass answer "I want this over too." THEN READ AND SIGN THE AGREEMENT BUTTMUNCH!!!!!!! He said he would 'try' to get to it and would 'try' to print it off and read it.

Now I'm mad, initially I felt bad that I left him never mind the fact he told me he hasn't loved me or trusted me for the last seven years of our relationship, how he didn't want to "waste his money" on counselling (even though we were offered free counselling) that nothing I ever did was good enough or up to his standards, how he fucked me over regarding the house (I know Janet, I know) and some furnishings because he didn't want me to take them because they served his purpose more. How much money he's been putting in the house and not towards what he owes me. But now he's messing with my money and if I'm on title and someone gets hurt I'm liable and honestly I want this done to get it over and start on a clean slate with Paul and he threatening that and I won't let that happen. I am finally happy and in love and want to start my life. Joe says he "cares" about me and "wants to see me happy" but gets pissed when I don't do something exactly the way he wants. A wise woman said "Deeds are often more telling than words babe." - truer words have never been spoken. I just wished I'd seen it sooner. I don't hate him really I just don't understand and that hurts more than it angers me - he says things and then acts I different way. I just thought this wouldn't happen to him and I.