...but it seems I am doing it wrong. I try to be a good person and a good step-mom however I feel inadequate at the best of times. For example five weeks in we have been implementing a chore list. We've been gradually introducing things the kids can do for an allowance. g Dishes, vacuming, dusting, making their beds and to be consistent and fair Paula and dad have chores too. Tonight we went to see Dracula Symphony put on by Paul's school. Please don't get me started - I don't have strength unless you specifically ask me I won't bore you (or perhaps make you laugh). As a side note I would like to point out I am not allowed to make my true opinion known because Paul has to work with this man - however I think as a creative person I would WANT to know and not just be pandered to. As an actress tell what I did well and tell me where I can improve - if you are paying to see a production you should feel you got your money worth and if you don't tell me how to fix it so that you do come back and you are entertained because otherwise I'll be playing to an empty audience and that's no fun.
As always - I digress. My step daughter has dishes to do - not even every night, every second night at that. And she only has to wash them I dry and then every other night I wash and my step son dries. So tonight she had a friend over and requested that the dishes get left until after the play so I said sure but inside my OCD head was whispering "No do them now." So we went to Dracula and then came home to drop the kids off because we (and by we I mean Paul because he made the decision for me) that we were heading over to a friend's place to watch a new tv series about zombies. I have zero interest but went because Paul insisted "everybody" was going to be there so I arrive and not one wife or girlfriend is to be seen. I was pissed but didn't say anything. I was more pissed because apparently Paul was told this but forgot - but that is a whole other post. We left here at nine and got back at eleven - took the dog out for a quick pee come in and walk into the kitchen...I know see where I am going with this. I was furious. Now let me explain my fury as I left I said to "C I want those dishes done before we get home" not only are they not done but she's asleep which means she had no intention of doing them and if anyone knows me they know I physically cannot go to bed with dirty dishes it's a sickness I wish I could but I'd be up all night tossing and turning about it.
I don't know what to do - I don't know how to enforce rules that weren't in place after the breakup but I do know, I can't live like this. I headed downstairs and I see an empty bag of chips and a empty juice can and someone has moved a chair (which I hate). I feel like a maid sometimes, the house is freakin' disaster. Nothing was out of place in my apartment and I cleaned every week because it was my mess but now I have three other people who either can't or won't and all I am trying to enlist some help but none of them seem to want to. I actually got flak because dinner took so long the other night. I have been working full days and the last thing I want to do is come home and make dinner but I do it - what I don't need is getting told that I am taking too long.
Anyway this post is loooong overdue and holds a whole lot of venting but I need to do this I need to get it all out but what I especially need is advice 'cause obviously I'm not doing it right.
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6 comments:
You are walking into an established household. Things are going to be rocky. They have their ways things have been done. You have your way things have been done. There's going to have to be compromises and negotiation. It's a tough one if you're both not on the same page. (Believe me. I feel the same way here. I don't know how I can expect my kids to clean up after themselves when my F*@#ing husband won't..)
Be patient, it doesn't sound easy (an it never was intended to be easy) but be patient with her. Establish a relationship that is built on a solid foundation and in time things will turn around. Take an interest in her interests and she will see that you really do care for her.
Jason
Jason I see your point but I do. We work out together (her idea not mine - lol). We went to the mall two nights ago and I got her a winter coat she wanted and her glasses. We go to the movies - I just want a little give and not all take. I've never been any type of mom but I feel like I'm flying blind here
Welcome to Motherhood. Unfortunately you didn't get the chance to instill your ways to the kids from birth, kinda like teaching an old dog new tricks. Things are going to be a lot different. Chairs will be moved, sometimes a fridge. Heck, you may come home to see an entire room has been flipped upside down. It happens, and comes with the role as parent. It wont be easy, quite possibly it'll be harder than someone who has been with children since birth. It's not normal for you.
If she were in my care, and I came home to dishes not done, She wouldn't get her allowance. Simple as that. But, she needs to hear that from both you and her father. And half way through the week, when she wants to get $5 from you, you can't give in. Then next week, she'll do the dishes to make sure she's got that money in her pocket.
I'm not a step mom, nor did I ever have one. I had a step dad growing up. I didn't respect him at all, and anything HE said, I didn't do. It took my Mom saying it. You'll have to tread lightly, earn their trust and respect, and make sure your DH has your back.
Good Luck!
drama queen.....
What Jacki said! Exactly what Jacki said. Parenting is bloody hard work. I expect it is even harder when you are walking in to an established household with baggage from a marital breakup. Negotiate, talk and throw your expectations of a pristine, orderly, tidy household out the window. Life will get easier if you do. Have basic expectations of respect and participation in household chores but be flexible. If there was a legit reason the dishes didn't get done (evening outing, friend) they will still be there in the morning and your stepdaughter will appreciate your flexibility.
Good luck and hang in. L
ps
Daisy - Laura from soccer.
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